First snow of the season here in Cow Flats, Colorado. And it’s so sparkly!
And with that I’m going to go into a bit of introspection and journal-y stuff but for those of you interested, read on!
A year ago this month I was trying(and failing) to struggle through what would be my last semester in college. I was trying to work up the nerve to tell my mother that I wanted to drop out and come back home. I’ve since left, healed, got a job, left that, and healed some more. This past year has taught me so much in terms of valuing myself, my intuition, and my time. My six months at Target left me with a work ethic for the first time in my life and I’ve used it to good effect: I’m halfway done with my NaNoWriMo book and it’s only the 11th, and I’ve still been able to live my life, work out, draw, celebrate, be with my family, etc. A year ago today I would have probably looked outside when I got up at 8 am, sighed, and went back to bed, classes be damned. Today I went outside in bare feet, a t-shirt, and my pajama pants to take that picture, and celebrate the weather. When I think back on who I was a year ago, it stuns me. I wasn’t in tune. I wasn’t living with my heart, and grounded into the soul of the earth like I try to be now. I didn’t look out my window every day and try to find something beautiful about the way the sun shone through leaves, or (as it would have been where I was living) how the ruddy bricks of the dorm buildings stood out against the blue sky. I was sad, and lonely, deep down in my soul. And then, somehow, I learned to love myself.
I think part of that is Frey’s fault. He’s…become special to me. He’s almost become a part of my life in the same way Bran has, but not quite. I hesitate to say I’ve fallen in love with him, but I do like him. He’s a good friend, at this point, and a comfort when I get overwhelmed. Last night I had a moment of utter exhaustion, and he and Bran were both there, just being with me, while I blasted rainstorm sounds in my ears and tried to deal with the overwhelming wash of emotion. I thanked them both, of course. I have a bracelet that Loki’s Little Hippy Witch made for Frey, and when I hold it it feels like I’m holding his hand. It’s beyond comforting, and a little confusing. I’ll live, though.
Of course, my struggles in life aren’t over. I’m back in that place where I keep asking for directions because I’m a little stuck, but at least I’m not stuck in a puddle of my own moroseness any more. I’m surrounded by people who love and support me, and for the first time in my life I’m awake enough to be thankful for them. If I ask, some of Them might even pull strings for me. The trick of course, is figuring out where I want/need to go from here. I’ll finish my book, of course. I don’t think I’ll ever stop writing. Hopefully, I’ll get a few more giant shoves forward on my path for the next year. We’ll see.
The half-month of Naudhiz starts on Friday. Strap in tight, folks. Could be a weird one.